Prairie Robin

Who says nothing goes on in a small Iowa town?

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I have to start blogging again.  There's so much going on in my life and I need an outlet to vent. 

Today I'm going to the funeral home with my 19 year old son to attend the wake for his best friend.  He was shot by another friend while hunting. There'll be a room full of grieving teenagers and a distraught family getting ready to bury their only child.  This is so incredibly sad that I can hardly grasp it all and I'm numb. This is the third friend of my son that has died in just over a year - all as a result of guns.  Need I say more?

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Right now with the entire medical, health care, pharmaceutical circus. I feel like a poster child for health care reform!

My saga started a week ago when I developed a minor infection in on of my toes when I cut the toenail a bit too short. It got a little icky looking so I made a visit to my doctor. (Now this is something I usually avoid doing because I don't have any health insurance and as those of you in my boat know, the uninsured always pay a higher fee. The insurance companies negotiate fees with the doctors and the savings are passed on to the insured. The rest of us poor slobs pay a premium price.) 15 minutes later, I walk out of the office holding a prescription for antibiotics, an order for expensive blood tests and owing a nice chunk of change for the appointment. At least the meds were on Walmart's $4 list. (As much as I hate the "Evil Empire", this is a program that's a life saver!)

So I complete the drug regimen only to have an infection crop up in the other foot. This one looked really bad, bad enough to have me worried. I called the doctor again, and knowing my insurance predicament, she didn't insist on seeing me and called another prescription into the pharmacy. She also had me go back for a repeat of the blood test.

Two days later I was beyond worried. The infection and spread to two more toes and it was getting really disgusting looking. It was bad enough that I left work early that day. I knew I needed to have the foot looked at so I made an appointment.

Well, that was today and things got even worse. The blood tests revealed that I have diabetes. I saw the doctor, who took a culture from my toe and commented that she wanted to keep treating this so I wouldn't "lose the toes". That scared the sh*t out of me! I spent an hour with a Nurse Educator who schooled me in how to use a glucose monitor and how to make dietary changes.

So far I've racked up bills for 2 office visits, 2 rounds of antibiotics, 2 blood tests at the hospital. I'm seeing dollar bills just flying out the window! I was given a glucose monitor free of charge but now I have to buy test strips at a dollar a pop...and I'll use 3 a day. That's another $30 bucks a month - almost the price of a tank of gas - that I can't afford. Next week I'll go back in to the doc's office and pay for that too. I'm afraid to add up what that will all cost.

What's the alternative? Don't take care of myself and lose a few toes, maybe my entire foot. If I'm really unlucky, I could die.

I'm resourceful so I know I'll figure out some way to pay for all the supplies and treatment I need. There are Patient Assistance Programs that I may qualify for. I'll pay off the doctor and hospital bills at $10 a month. But I'll keep worrying that a complication will arise that will cost me more fees and I'll sink just a little deeper in debt.

Please check out this link and promise me you'll watch as much as you can. It's long but worth taking the time to open your mind and listen.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/33213245/ns/msnbc_tv-countdown_with_keith_olbermann/

It's been many months since my last post and even now I'm not particularly moved to put anything in writing.  I'm frozen, and have been, for a long time.  Too may things happening at once, too many concerns that I can do nothing about.  The phrase "weight of the world" seems appropriate.

Some of the changes are just part of life - children graduating from high school or just getting older before my eyes and the adjusting from being all-involved Mom to watching from the sidelines.  It's like getting used to a sudden job change.  It all settles into place but it takes some time.  I know I'll get used to this new phase of my life but I'm feeling at loose ends right now.

The other concerns are more emotional and are the ones that leave me feeling the most helpless.  Both my dad and mother-in-law are suffering from dementa and it's indescribably painful to see their decline because both of them have been the bedrock of our families.  My dad is the worst off.  I'm watching a brilliant, incredibly loving man, one who has been my greatest encourager, lose the ability to speak or interact with us in more than a childlike manner.  This man, who once was so dignified, has lost bowel control and resists taking care of his hygiene.  He'd be appalled if he knew what was going on with him right now.

My mother, who has many of her own serious health conditions, has become my dad's primary caretaker.  She has a CNA come in twice a week to help out, but the strain of the daily care for my dad is causing her health to deteriorate.  Frankly, I don't know which one I hope dies first. 

The greatest concern for me is that I am 1000 miles away and am powerless to do anything constructive to help them.  That is compounded by the fact that my mother, who loves my father deeply, refuses to do anything.  No nursing home or assisted living facility for either of them.  She's going to take care of dad until the end and that's that.  All of the worry falls on me because I'm the only family member capable of handling any of their needs.  My sister is an alcoholic and lives almost as far away, my brother is developmentally disabled (but very high functioning) and lives with them.  I have no cousins and my few aunts and uncles are themselves elderly or ill.  It's just me. 

Mom's inertia puts me in the perilous position of waiting until something dreadful happens.  Then I will have to go into crisis mode - quit my low paying part-time job, leave my husband and children behind, and board the fastest train to Virginia to pick up the pieces.  There'll be a house to sell, furnishings to dispose of, finding my brother a suitable living arrangement, and then forcibly dragging my one remaining parent back to Iowa.  And if it's my mother who is left to deal with, she'll be an emotional wreck.  I just can't wait for that day.  

Quite honestly, I'm angry that my mother's denial will someday soon cause an upheaval in my own life.  In some way, she's become so concerned about keeping her life as it was intact, that she has forgotten that she doesn't live in a vacuum and that her actions will hurt her family.  I don't want this job, I don't want to be the only one who has to handle her mess.  I feel very selfish to say that but it's true.  Just as my life settles into some form of peace, I have this disaster hanging over my head.

Life sucks right now.

How many times did you move growing up? How did moving (or staying put) impact your childhood?

I've moved enough that I don't really have a "home town". 

I was born in DC and lived w/my parents in Kensington MD for about a year.  My dad worked as a surveyor for the Geological Survey (Dept of the Interior).

He was sent on an assignment to Sullivans Island, SC.  Then back to DC.

Another brief assignment in Bowling Green, OH.  Then back to DC.

Back to SC, this  time to Isle of Palms, SC.

I was getting close to starting kindergarten, so we went back to Silver Spring, MD for a couple of years.

My folks had the opportunity to buy their first home, so we moved to Sterling, VA in 1962. 

Stayed there for a few years and for reasons I don't know, we moved back to Maryland - Beltsville, MD.

In 1968, we relocated again, this time back to Sterling, VA.  First in a townhouse and then a rental house, and finally a home they bought. I lived in that house when I graduated from high school in 1974.

AS AN ADULT -

I got married in 1985 and we bought a house in Hamilton, VA.  

We got wanderlust in 1987 and moved to Phoenix, AZ.

After a job layoff, we moved briefly to Martinsburg, WV in 1989.

Leesburg, VA was our next stop, where we lived long enough to produce 2 babies. 

When the boys were 1 year old and 2 weeks old, it was either be laid-off again or move.

In February, 1991, we moved to Seattle, WA.  Actually, we lived in 3 houses, two in Kent, WA and the last one in Auburn WA.

Boeing was nice enough to lay my (ex) husband off and we decided to move back to the DC area.  I stayed in Charlottesville VA with my parents for 11 months.  The younger 2 children were with me and our oldest stayed w/his dad and Grandma in Martinsburg WV.

We finally moved to our own home in Frederick MD in 1995.  After our divorce, I moved with the kids to 2 different townhouses in Frederick.

In 2004, my future husband and I moved with the kids to a house in Brunswick MD.  We stayed there for 2 years when we decided we'd had enough of traffic, high prices, long commutes and grumpy people.

In August of 2006, we made a move to Mark's hometown of Manchester IOWA.  For the first time in my adult life, I feel like I've moved to a place that I can call home.  I can't imagine ever again living on the east coast and will probably spend my last days sitting on my porch, admiring another glorious Iowa sunset.

It's been quite a couple of months with the children.  #1 son moved back from N Central Iowa, which created chaos and confusion while he stayed with us.  Then there were all the activities leading up to #2 sons graduation....long awaited and often uncertain....graduation. Now I have 2/3 of an empty nest.  Both boys, along with #2's girlfriend, found a little house that they decided to rent.  My house is so quiet and that's a little eerie.

The kids' move has me a bit concerned.  None of them work full time and Dan and his girlfriend will be starting college in the Fall.  Money will be very tight and there'll be a lot of new responsibilities to adjust to.  But on the other hand, they seem to be settling in.  The house they found needed some serious cosmetic work and the yard was an overgrown mess.  In just a couple of weeks, the front porch has been scraped and painted and the yard cleared of brush and debris.  They've managed to cobble together some furniture from yard sales, thrift stores and generous parents and it looks less like "Animal House" than I had anticipated.

Dan and his girlfriend left at 4:00 a.m. for their trip from Iowa to South Carolina to visit his Dad.  Neither have ever driven more than a hundred miles on their own, but they did their research and planned a good route.  My ex sent Dan his old GPS, so they won't get too lost on the way and they promised to call every couple of hours or whenever they cross a state line.  I think  their eyes glazed over with all the "advice" I gave them last night!

In spite of all more worries, the kids are doing what I raised them to do - be independent, responsible adults. 

By 3:30 p.m., my son was a high school graduate.  That may not sound like a momentous event to some, but this Mom was very proud...and relieved.  Dan is a very bright young man who has too much energy to sit still in academic classes.  He'd much rather be tearing apart a car engine or jet skiing on Lake Delhi.  School has always been "optional", a bother that had to be endured.  My wish to have a child go on to college won't be realized with this child, but I also have no doubt that he'll be successful in whatever direction he chooses.  He likes to make money and has bought and sold more cars in 3 years than I've had in 30 years!  And he always makes a big profit.  He likes to work, get his hands dirty and figure out how to fix the seemingly unfixable. 

Today, I'm a proud Mom.

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