My Broken Heart
I'm hating life today and I can feel myself going into a real funk. I hate that empty, black hole that I slip into when life gets unbearably hard. I've had to make some painful decisions where no one will come out a winner.
My son son has a serious mental illness - bipolar, depression, anxiety, ODD. He's compulsive liar. He steals whatever he wants when he's in my house. He's punched holes in my walls when he was angry and cost me money in countless other ways. He's loud, obnoxious, vulgar when he's home and makes life miserable for everyone. I had him move out last April and he went to an apartment for mentally ill adults. He was evicted for refusing treatment. Since then, he's been hospitalized three times and been virtually homeless. I can't let him live here any more. Oh, I've caved in a few times and he's lapsed back into the same behaviors...then I kick him out again. It's a vicious cycle that I'm trying to break.
It's fall here in Iowa and the weather has turned cold and rainy. We had a hard frost two nights ago. He stayed her for a few days and had to leave again this morning, escorted by a police officer who dropped him off at a park in town. I don't know where he'll go tonight since he's run out of friends to stay with. They all get tired of his antics. He can't get an apartment without a co-signer and no one is willing to go that far for him since they'll be responsible for the damages he'll cause.
There's no easy answer. I feel like a horrible mother. People tell me to make him leave, but that's easy to say when it's not your child. I love my son with all my heart and soul. A mother's job is to protect her children and I can't do that with this child. My heart is broken.
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Oh Boy - just read that and don't know what to say. That must be tough. My daughter committed suicide many years ago and I only recently found out. Long story.
I wish there was something I could say to help you. The only thing I can think of is for you not to leave things bottled up inside - expresss yourself to friends and even let it out as you did here in your blog. The worse thing you can do is to keep it bottled up inside or try to make it a secret (my ex-wife did that with out daughter). It seems everyone of us has some kind of family problem - some are more intense then others but we all have some problems nontheless.
Consider me to be a new friend of yours and if I can ever help out in some small way, please allow me to do so.
Mark in Canada with the polar bear and banana tree.
My heart goes out to you and my heart aches knowing that you are in so much pain. - I could feel it in your words. There are no words of comfort that can magically erase the pain and the turmoil that comes from having to make such a decision... Did you do the right thing, did you not do the right thing? Should you have done this or should you have done that? Questions that can haunt you and keep you in constant turmoil as long as you continue to think on them.
When I thought about responding, I heard in my head the pat answer that a lot of folks that label themselves Christian would say - God will not put more on you than you are able to bare. And I thought - as I have for years - those words may sound good to those who are saying them, and maybe they believe them, but it is not scriptural and as far as I am concerned, it's a load of crap.
The thing I have found to be true is this: there isn't anything in life that I have the ability to handle alone. Whether it is good or bad, easy or difficult, God did not design us to have the ability to deal with life as a solitary being.
Whether or not we cry out to our Creator for help is the choice for every individual to make. He will not impose His ways upon any of us unless we call upon or cry out to Him in our times of need.
You and I have known each other for a long, long time and you know much of what I have gone through in my life - I won't elaborate here. But from my own experience I have found that when I have faced times of turmoil, when I cried out to the only One big enough, wise enough, strong enough, knowledgeable enough and compassionate enough to handle the chaos in my life, somehow I get to the other side of the event with the best possible solution in play - and amazingly, I am at peace and feel hopeful.
In all that I have had to endure in my life, when I look to hindsight, the things I allowed God to walk me through, although rough at the time, and sometimes hard work and tough decisions were made, the outcome has been the best it could be. Again, looking to hindsight, if I had gone my own way in the things I had to endure, if I had not chosen to do things Gods way, I would be an absolute mess right now - that is if I was still here, having made some of those decisions that God in His wisdom kept me from making.
With that said, if you are not already, I encourage you to cry out to the One who knows you the most and loves you the best. He is the only one you can cling to and find peace in the middle of the storm. He is the only One who has the capability to calm the storm.
One more thing, there is a verse in Hosea 2:6. I encourage you to look it up and begin to pray it over your son and his life. I will not quote it here or elaborate further except to say this: I began praying this verse over my son several years ago. God's answer to this prayer was to spare my son's life by keeping him from the place and time where he would have been ordinarrily - the place where his best friend was brutally murdered two years ago.
As always, I will keep you in my prayers.
As far as the rest, I hate to tell you but I'm just not where you are spiritually and probably never have been. I'm not attending a church any longer and really don't feel the need to. At this point I'd say that I'm borderline agnostic and I'm satisfied with that right now. I haven't closed the door, however.
I applaud and celebrate what God has done in your life and would never tell anyone that what they believe is wrong. Faith is such a personal thing and ultimately (in my eyes) no one can ever know for sure while they're on this earth. But I've seen the changes that have occurred in your life and they truly are miraculous. I have no doubt that you would be in a much worse place had it not been for your faith. You are and have been blessed.
This blog gives me the opportunity to get things off my chest, cry a little and then move on. Sometimes letting out too much emotion is counter-productive, so if I keep it her in the blogosphere, I'm better off. I can rant and rave and not tick off too many people!
I have been following your blog for a while, after a friend pointed me in its direction. I enjoy your posts. They are always insightful.
I was wondering if your experiences are something you would be interested in sharing. I am a reporter at the Telegraph Herald and would very much like to talk to you about your experiences. If this is something you would be interested in, please e-mail me at bporter@wcinet.com
I believe a lot of people would be touched by your story, and I think it could help many.
Thank you,
Bekah Proter